So......about the whole not sure if I was in love anymore thing from yesterday.

When Kevin first went into the army, we had been together for 9months, and had gotten married a month before...seems like we got married awfully quickly, but we had been together on and off for years....I've known him since I was 12 years old.

Well, basic training went ok, we wrote he called....everything was fine....he went into AIT and we ran into a few small problems with money (mainly with him spending too much of it) and he had gone to a few strip clubs....which I had told him would not bother me...but it did. I don't like myself very much sometimes....my body is not the same as it used to be after 3 kids (2 then) and I just felt (feel) inadequate sometimes....and so the insecurity started.

I was so upset when he got orders for Korea while in AIT....I was afraid of being alone, and afraid of him being alone....This little part of me, the part that says sometimes that I will never be good enough for anyone, was afraid that he would stop loving me and find someone else. He stopped writing in Korea and started drinking. Alot. After awhile the money problems started again...I was taking cash advances on credit cards to pay bills and he was spending hundreds a month on alcohol. And then the calls were coming less and less. And I figured it was the begining of the end for us.

He came home in May, and we both tried to pretend everything was still the same...or maybe for him it was...I don't know....but I had lost my trust in him, that safe feeling I had before that he would never hurt me....because he had....I never told him just how much. It was like a piece of me had died.

We moved to Fort Polk, and all of the sudden everything was back to the way it had been...I figured he would be out on the weekends drinking and playing pool with the guys. But he didn't. Not once. He stayed home with me and the kids and we were happy. I got pregnant and everything was wonderful for months....until I found those damn pictures....buried in the back of the closet. There was my husband with his arm around someone else....a little Korean girl. Her kissing him on the cheek....It was too much for me being 4-5 months pregnant to stand.

But I stayed....he swore that girl was nothing, he was drunk, these girls were all over it was there job to try anfd get the guys to buy these expensive drinks for them...he showed me the other pictures, other guys with the same girl, and said see, it was just a game, we were drunk, nothing happened.

But nothing was the same after that...we moved here shortly after that happened. We fought a lot. Looking back I started most of the fights...I had a way of turning the smallest little things into a huge battle. I was so hard on him all the time, he couldn't do anything right in my eyes. We somehow managed to stay together through all of that and I am so grateful for that...I can't imagine I have been very fun to live with. I said some pretty terrible things to him, that he didn't deserve.

The night before they left on this deployment was Foley's birthday. He came to our house with his wife and the baby to celebrate it with us, and to have a night of fun before they left. We all had a little (ok I had a lot) to drink. Kevin even drank 3 beers, the first I have seen him drink since he came back from Korea, but he wanted to stay sober for the kids. SO somehow I ended up sitting in my room alone with Tommy...his wife was sleeping, Kevin was in the living room playing the playstation...we were trying to do something with the computer he had brought over some CD's with music videos and was trying to show me one. And we ended up having one of those really deep conversations, that I only seem to be able to have when I've had to much to drink. I told him all about how I felt about Kevin lately, and about the pictures and the girl, and asked him what he knew about it (he had been in Korea with Kevin) I told him I didn't think Kevin loved me and tyhought he had cheated. And he just looked at me, with this completely shocked expression on his face....could not beleive what I was saying, and said you really have no idea how much he loves you, do you? He never cheated on you, you are about the only thing he talked about the whole time he was there, how lucky he was to have you....he said he always carried my picture around and showed it to everyone...that he drank because there was nothing else to do to pass the time, and about the times that he cried in front of everyone because he missed me so much. And I beleive him. Every word. The way he said it, the fact that he was drunk (that in my experience is when people are the most honest) and most of all the look on his face when he said it.....he said how lucky I was to have someone who loved me so much. I am.

I never stopped loving Kevin....never. I felt hurt, and insecure, and I let that get in the way. The next morning was amazing, I finnaly saw what everyone else did. But we only had a few hours and it was time for him to go. It was so hard to say goodbye to him, but I think we needed this time....

I have had a lot of time to think, and so has he....I have gotten some really touching letters from him, and I have been able to write out a lot of feelings that I have a hard time expressing when he is here. Things will be so much different for us when he comes home

I wish I could thank Tommy for what he said, and giving me my life and my love back.

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